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is it time for the night before christmas archive thread ?!

Posted by yoyobon (My Page) on
Fri, Dec 20, 13 at 6:46

Shall we?

Follow-Up Postings:

RE: is it time for the night before christmas archive thread ?!

I have it! I saved "The Week After Christmas", an epic group effort, circa 2003. Or perhaps it's time we write another?


And all through the house
Are half-eaten goodies....
I feel like a louse!
The black bags of rubbish are put out with care
In hopes that the dustbinman soon will be there.

(PS: for US readers substitute "garbageman" for "dustbinman"; for PC US readers substitute "environmental recycling operative")

But long before then the cats and the foxes
Have scattered the bottles, tins, paper and boxes
And all the street knows of your horrible vices
The beer, and the wine, the chocs and mince piecis.

And still under the tree
from both Santa and me
are mounds of toys
for my girl and my boy.

While I in my kerchief and he in his cap
Would love to settle down for a long winter's nap,
But the neighbors have put their decorations away
And I don't think Santa will be back with his sleigh.
So up to the housetop my dear one has gone
While I'm in the living room having a moan
As I undo the tree, the mantel, the tables;
Must *not* stop to read all the Santa Claus fables.
Then from the teen's bedroom there came such a noise
Of a thumping of bass and a wailing of voice;
I ran to the foot of the stairs with a frown
And shouted in rage, "Turn that bl**dy thing down!"
"No," screamed my teen, and my face turned red.
I stormed up the stairs to knock sense in his head.

But before I reached the top of the flight,
I heard a crashing sound in the night.
Old St. Nick on the roof top, I wondered,
No, t'was a burglar. We were getting plundered.

As I drew in my head
At the sound of the crash
My head hit the window
In a bone-splitting "SMASH!"
Twasn't a burglar
As I had suspected
Just our least favorite son
Who was feeling rejected.

Where is your spirit of Christmas?!
I heard myself bellow...
We've been waiting for you for a week
You ungrateful fellow!!!
Behold! At the sight of him, I stared and I shook!
He was clean, shaved and pressed!
A right spiffy look!
I couldn't believe how well he was dressed!

Hi Mom! He greeted me,
And grinned ear to ear.
His look had defeated me
Then he told me with cheer...

MY drug test was clear and my parole officer loves me,
My grades are all stunning and and Dad doesn't bug me.
I knew in a moment this must be a trick.
this kid's been a problem since late '96.

More rapid than relatives
Returning my gifts,
He insisted he'd changed
And would heal family rifts!

But I had decided to paint the town pink
And dressed in my diamonds, my thong, and my mink...
The town's hottest night-spot refused me admission
So I sat at the roadside and wrote a petition . .
Be careful with asking, my inner voice said;
(Believe me, I'm wishing they all would drop dead!)
When what to my wondering eyes did appear?
But a hunky policeman....

All decked out in gear.
He was dressed all in leather
From his neck to his feet,
And I drooled when I saw him
Like a beagle in heat!!

A .44 Magnum was slung on his hip
And he looked like Clint Eastwood while loading his clip
His eyes -- how they menaced! His jawline how scary!
His butt cheeks were rock hard, his chest was so hairy!
His mean little mouth was drawn up in a sneer
But the cleft in his chin was as cute as his rear.....

"Whatcha readin'," he drawled as he went to work,
"Books are boring," he said. I replied, "You're a jerk!"
And gave him the finger and turned up my nose
And giving a nod, from the roadside I arose.

He was not what I wanted despite his good looks
I could never forgive what he said about books,
Though reading just now I have left on the shelf;
Look out, Down Town, I'm in search of myself.

I'd checked under the bed and the back of the sofa
But only found biscuits and half of a loafa.
So hitching a lift in a stretch limousine
I thought that I'd start by gatecrashing 'the scene'.
I sat in the back and I sipped cold champagne
(I wouldn't touch meth or snort up cocaine)
I wondered if I would be meeting a hunk
Or one like the last one, a mean-tempered skunk.

We roared thru' the night despite lights set at red,
Then suddenly felt I'd be better in bed.
I shout to the driver "Take me back home ,
"Too late do I linger, too far do I roam.
I'm only a housewife, when all's said and done
What kind of example to set for my son?"
"What only a hausfrau ?" the driver then leered:
"I'm told those are the ones to be feared!"
"In my experience, they can get quite weird,"
He said as he snickered down into his beard.

A limosine driver with a beard snowy white?
His nose right above it was really a sight...
It looked like a cherry,
All bulbous and red,
"Hey, you're not a driver,
You're SANTA!" I said.

A wink of his eye meant he'd heard what I said
"It's eight days since Christmas and I'm out of bread
The Mrs., the reindeer, the elves must be fed
So I moonlight by driving this motorized sled"
Then sticking his finger up inside his nose
He pulled out a booger the size of his toes

One look at this faux pas and I thought Gadzooks!
I want to be home with my family and books....
With Santa so nasty and vulgar and coarse,
I jumped out of the limo and onto a horse.
We gallop o'er fields both narrow and wide,
'Til way in the distance my dear home I spied.
But why was a horse so conveniently there?
Good heavens! Those antlers! Not one, but a pair!
And shining up front on the end of the head
Is a nose which is glowing a strange sort of red...

(Assuming you are referring to the red-nosed fellow always depicted in pictures)

Now why would this renegade be into his cups?
(Red noses are signs that one's had a few drops).
My goodness, his real name's Saint Nick!
If this guy is "holy", then someone is sick....
But, no, it was Rudolph with his red nose aglow
To light up my pathway 'cross the white gleaming snow

On Rudolph! On Rudolph! is my echoing cry
To the top of my welcoming driveway please fly.
Is this all a dream of wishes come true?
Or just a bad "trip" from my grandmother's brew....
Perhaps it's her fruitcake we had stuck a tin,
I fear that old Granny has soaked it in gin!
Now hold on a sec. Are we playing a game?
Could Rudolph and Santa be one and the same?

The Elf dresses in fur and so does the deer.
Or maybe I've drunk just a bit too much cheer.

Louses and rubbish and foxes and fables
Rotten teenagers and diamonds and sables
Nightclubs and limos, a book-hating cop?
When, tell me when, will all of this stop?
The wish was enough, the rhyming too rough, too tough
a new year is a chance.
Isn't it?
Follow the cynic or not.

Enough is enough.
Apparently some find this all a bit much,
The clever story, the rhyming and such,
Perhaps a new year resolution might be
Sit back, ENJOY and let us be "we"!!!

Thank you ALL so much for making me laugh....what a great way to start a new year!
I knew when I posed this challenge that you ALL would be outrageously creative and clever.....what a great group!
Happy 2004....

Ouch! That thong! NOW I know what they mean by a split personality.

"Just a thong at twilight, when the lights are low..."

PC Plod to distressed, scantily dressed female of a certain age, lying in an English gutter.

"Come along now, Madam. Haven't you got a home to go to? What's that? You fell over because the lights were low. Well, what do you expect at twilight?

"And if I may say so, you appear somewhat underclad in that there thong.

"So, you want to report a theft. I'll just make a note of that.
"Your mink and diamonds have been stolen, by a man with a red nose driving a limo, or maybe a horse with antlers.
"Right Madam, I've just radioed back to the Police Station and apparently you have already accosted another of our officers, making a very rude gesture in his direction. No, no-one on the force looks like Clint Eastwood.

"Packing a piece! You should be so lucky. This isn't Hollywood you know.

"Get into this 'ere police car, we are going to take you home. Now, what's your address?

"Gordon Bennett, that place is well-known to us boys in blue. Haven't you got a son who is a junkie . . .and didn't you hold a very dodgy party there last summer . . .all the guests dressed up like Gawd knows what? Found a couple of them lying in a flower bed the next day?

"Take my advice Madam; next Christmas stay at home with a good book"

RE: is it time for the night before christmas archive thread ?!

I cannot believe it was that long ago that we all concocted that treasure !

It still makes me laugh at the hilarity and cleverness.
What a tale !

RE: is it time for the night before christmas archive thread ?!

One of my great achievements was participating in that poem. I printed it out and come across it in my desk drawer from time to time. It gives me a giggle whenever I read it.

RE: is it time for the night before christmas archive thread ?!

It was a real moment in time, wasn't it !

We are all a wealth of considerable talent :0)

RE: is it time for the night before christmas archive thread ?!

Yes, we are!

RE: is it time for the night before christmas archive thread ?!

Wasn't there another later one? I remember contributing to a group poem but not this one.

RE: is it time for the night before christmas archive thread ?!

Ann, are you possibly thinking of the thread we did a while ago writing limericks? We were all amazingly witty . . . yet modest. ;-)

RE: is it time for the night before christmas archive thread ?!

WYM I like how that looks ! (Witty Yet Modest)

RE: is it time for the night before christmas archive thread ?!

Vee, no, I am fairly sure it was another Xmas poem. It would have gone on longer but a contributor cut it short by adding a post Xmas ending, I recall.
I can't remember my lines or I could get it back via Google, perhaps.

RE: is it time for the night before christmas archive thread ?!

The only thing I recall was someone, Vee perhaps, adding lines. Something about posting the Christmas cards from last year that were found in the garage.
Ring any bells? This is bugging me!

RE: is it time for the night before christmas archive thread ?!

Sorry Ann, not even a gentle chime coming my way.

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